the struggle is real

So I struggle. I struggle a lot. Like I mean, a lot. Thoughts of worthlessness invade my mind. My anxiety creeps in and tells me that I am not enough. I am not enough as a wife. I am not enough as a mom. I am not enough as a friend. I am simply not enough. Even on days and weeks where I have tried so hard and seem to be making progress, something happens that validates my feelings of not being enough. I was so incredibly excited for the way things were going in my life and for the consistent and persistent effort I have been focusing on in key areas in my life, then suddenly I was removed from something I felt proud to be apart of…the thoughts began to solidify in my mind and I believed them for several hours. Once again, I was not enough.

I really began to question myself. Will I ever fit in? Will I ever be enough? Will I ever be able to fully surrender my anxieties and be completely healed from them? If not, why would I enjoy living life like this…captive to these thoughts, these beliefs? I’m not strong enough to handle this alone.

I began citing scripture. “You are wonderfully and fearfully made.” I am not a mistake, “I was knit together in my mother’s womb.” “Cast your cares and anxieties on the Lord.” “He has plans of prosperity and a future.”

Then my husband began saying things, “Maybe you weren’t made to fit a mold. Maybe you were created to stand out. To lead the way. To do your own thing. What if God is needing you to focus your attention somewhere else right now and this is truly a blessing in disguise?” He seems to know exactly what to say in the perfect time. God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought this amazing man into my life. Even though I battle anxiety, he has stayed by my side. (For an INCREDIBLE blog post about anxiety, see For Those Who Have Stayed.)

You guys, the enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy. He knows I struggle with anxiety, even though the Lord healed my panic attacks. He knows I long for acceptance and love. He knows when I am on the right path and so close to breakthrough. The enemy is absolutely going to throw something in my path to make me question my abilities and what I know to be true. It is so important to know who you are so you don’t ride this roller-coaster of “I am enough. I’m not enough. I am enough. I’m not enough.” I am a work in progress. Aren’t we all?

The next time you begin to feel like you aren’t enough, I encourage you to turn on your worship music and soak in His presence.  Feel the warmth of His love pour down around you. He has big plans for YOU. He believes in YOU. He is working things out for good for YOU. He is on YOUR side. He loves YOU so so much! He will never leave or forsake YOU. Trust Him. Believe Him. Surrender it all to Him. He will take care of YOU. You, yes YOU, are enough to Him and that is all that matters. Don’t let the enemy in to defeat you.

Today I cast my cares and anxieties on you. The weight of “being enough” in the eyes of everyone else is weighing me down. Please help me to fully surrender these burdens to you. Search my heart for where I hold the need to be accepted by everyone and fill it with your love. Help me to keep my eyes focused on you, Father God, and to know that I am enough for you. According to Psalm 138:8, “You will fulfill your purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.” Thank you, Lord, for making me not just enough, but righteous by your blood.
In Jesus’ name I pray,